Recently, there have been a few moments where I have just stopped, reflected, and marveled at Jesus and how He has worked in my life. Living in biblical community is challenging at times. There have been times this past year where I have wanted to get on a plane and just go home. There have been times when I have questioned my reasons for not going straight to college and instead jumping into a discipleship ministry setting. There have been a few times when I have not understood what God was doing in my life this year.
About 2 weeks ago, my mom took me to Logan airport as I was to return to New Philadelphia, Ohio for my second year with Off The Wall Ministry. I had just spent 6 weeks with my family. We went to Martha's vineyard, California, and Hawaii this past summer. It was the longest time I had been with them since I left for OTW in October of 2009. It was hard to want to go back to Ohio that day. I didn't want to. I wished that my time with OTW was over and that I could start up college at home and live with my parents. Those feelings had nothing to do with the Off The Wall staff. It was just the fact that I missed my parents and sister so much, I didn't want to think about going another year living away from them. I actually cried as I walked to the gate and got on the plane. I have not cried in a long time.
Now, 2 weeks later, I am sitting in a cabin in Alaska on a mission trip with Off The Wall. My heart has changed in the last 2 weeks. The Lord has showed me that when I am self-focused, meaning, when I am only thinking about what I want in my life, then I will never be content. Now, I feel excited for every day. I realize there will be times when I miss my family, and when I probably will cry. But I have grown to love my new community so much, I know they will walk with me through any feelings I have. They are my second family now.
There is a verse in James that Christians don't like to talk about. But it is truth.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith will produce steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
This is so much truth to this verse. In the last to weeks, I feel as though the Lord has grown my love for Him through putting me back in Ohio, a place where I did not intend to come back to for a second year.
I want to commit the next 2 years of my life to Jesus at Off The Wall. I don't know what it will look like. But I believe the Lord is doing a work in and through Off The Wall Ministry, and He wants me to be apart of it. At least for a little bit longer.
I think through all of this, this past year, I am learning how to love God with my heart. Me, being such a head guy, has trouble letting my heart compel me to act. I really want to be here for two more years. And it not just my head saying "it would be a good thing to learn to commit to something." It is my heart telling me that this is the right place at the right time.
So, I don't really know how to end this entry. This one was more for me to articulate and get down my thoughts. Thanks to all of you who read this thing. I never know who is on here. I pray that my life would point to Jesus. That is my reason for everything.
In Him,
JN
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