Alive

On Saturday I rode Don's bike down to the gym to workout, but when I got to the gym, all the lights were off. I was a little confused, because it was only 6 O'clock, and I thought the gym stayed open until 9. But, it turns out on Saturdays, that it closes at 5. So, a little disappointed, I decided to walk around the mall for a little while. (The gym is right next to the New Towne Mall). I like walking the mall a lot. A lot of my friends don't, because they feel like malls bombard people with advertisements have a really depressing feeling about them. But for myself, I really enjoy them. I like just walking, and observing the kinds of people I see.
So on this particular Saturday I noticed something about malls that I had never noticed before. As I walked by the kiosks, I passed benches. Sitting in these benches would be people. Usually there was just one person in a bench. The type of people varied, Hispanic, Caucasian, middle age, elderly... but there was one thing in common with all the people sitting on the benches. They had this blank stare on their faces. They were staring into nothing. Now, I don't know anything about any of these people, but watching them got me thinking. I wonder why there are people in America who spend their Saturday's sitting on a bench in a mall, just staring into space.
America has everything. It really does. Anything you want you can get in this country. That is the American Dream after all, isn't it. If you work as hard as you can, then your dreams are possible. We have been given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But is happiness achievable? It seems like all we ever do is pursue it, we never obtain it. Sure, I have meet people who seem happy for a time. But it hasn't lasted.
So I wonder what those people on the bench feel like. I wonder if they feel like they want to experience true joy, but they can't. I wonder if they want to be loved, accepted, and really feel alive, but for some reason, no one loves them, no one accepts them, and they feel dead on the inside. Sometimes I feel like that. A lot of times I feel like that. There are so many times in my life when I feel like I want people to accept me, like me, and love me. I want to be good enough.
But every time I start thinking and caring about that, it leaves me feeling more insecure, more like a loser, and more like I am dead on this inside.
I believe the heart of every human being wants to experience life and joy. But we have this warped idea of where life and joy comes from.
I read this passage of Scripture earlier this week which pretty much struck me across the face and convicted me of my self-addiction in my life.
Jesus is talking about the cost of being his disciple and after saying you have to love Him more then anything he says something which is incredibly hard to swallow. He says "So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has, cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33
I have been a follower of Christ for about 3 years now. For much of that time, I loved God. But I loved Him with conditions. I was like "God, I love you, as long as you make me feel comfortable and I don't have to risk everything, and don't have to talk to people I really don't want to talk to. And, oh yeah, get me to Colorado so I can live in the Rocky mountains."
For the last few months, God has been hammering into me that it is not about me. It really isn't. If I (any of us) are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, we must understand that life is not about us. It isn't about what we want. It isn't about being comfortable. I have really just started to get that.
Maybe the reason I have felt dead inside is because I am self-addicted and have looked for happiness in the wrong place. Jesus offers joy, life, and true peace. He offers it in Himself. And he requires us to give up all we have if we are to receive that offer. I am just realizing that.

JN