Seth and I are sitting in the living room. Hillsong's With Everything is playing on our speaker system. I can't help but wonder. I feel as though sometimes I am so selfish and self-addicted. So many times all I think about is Josh. My heart can be so prideful. Jesus said "any of you who does not give up everything he has, cannot be My disciple." Luke 14. If these are the words of King of the Universe, the Living God, the One created you and the computer screen you are staring at and the keys that i am typing... then why do I desire myself and my dreams so much more than Him? To love Jesus with everything... it is all or nothing.
A few weeks ago I was sitting on my bed upsatirs in the ministry house. I had been really homesick. I didn't want to stay here. I had no confidence in myself. I felt like my life was welling up to nothing because I was so focused on myself. And then I read that verse from Luke 14. It completely tore me apart. I asked myself if I really could continue living for myself while trying to live for Christ. I couldn't do it. It is an aweful feeling knowing that you are intentionally ignoring the Creator or the Universe, yet claiming you love Him. Over the last 4 or 5 months, God has been ripping my selfishness apart. In very painful ways, he has showed me that to think I can be His disciple and at the same time live a self gratifying life is absoulte foolishness. So a few weeks ago, I sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating whether I wanted to stop following God because he requirements are so demanding, or, ask Him to change my heart so I would live fully devoted to Him with my will being His will. I was thinking about moving to Colorado on the spot, or spending a the rest of this year hitchhiking around America. I would have done it too.
C.S Lewis said that God is the "hound of heaven". I have been running from Him for so long, half heartly following Him. God chased me down, tackeled me, and told me that I needed to choose. So I chose.
I can't resist His irresistable grace. Jesus chose me. How could I want anything else. How could I think Colorado would satisfy the longings of my heart. It can't.
So I am sitting here, just thinking about my 19 years of life, and how God has so clearly been pursuing me. From the time I walked on the Great Wall of China when I was three, to the basketball court in the back of Asbury Grove in the summer of 2006, to right now.
I may never go to Colorado again. And is okay. Because Jesus is the prize. And he is so worth everything that I am.
"My whole life I place in your hands,
God of mercy, humbled I bow down,
in Your Presence at Your Throne."
-Came to My Rescue by Hillsong
-JN, one of the redeemmed
Friday, October 30, 2009
Humility on a Roof
I spent the day with Ben roofing with this dude Erik Miller and his crew. We were up somewhere near Clevland, past Akron. I had prayed earlier this week that God would humble me. So, when Don asked the guys on Wednesday if any of us wanted to roof with Erik, I went for it.
I have never really roofed before in my life. If you don't know what roofing is, basically it involves ripping shingles off a roof, and putting new ones on. It sounds easy and mindless, but it is by no means. I did a decent job of ripping the shingles off, but when Bo (one of the crew guys) asked me to be his "Pitcher", I had no idea what was that involved me doing. So I had to ask him what pitching is. He just looked at me and smiled, knowing that I have no experience roofing, and said "you are the guy that hands me the new shingles so I can nail them on." I felt like an idoit. Duh, that makes so much sense.
So Bo gets his nail gun (which is wiked sick by the way... you could easily shoot someones eye out) and I hand him a shingle. Apperently there is a method to handing shingles, and I wasn't understanding it. You have to be so precise to helping the nailer if you want the job to get done quickly. Then you have to re load the shingles and move as the nailer gets closer and closer to the top of the roof. Its a lot to think about.
So Bo let me go at it for a half hour, and then realizes that I was slowing him down, so he told me to go clean up around the house. There was this big pile of gutters on the ground that the crew had just tore off. Erik told me to to put them in the truck. So, I put them in the truck, with out really thinking about it. About a half hour later, I had just finished sweeping up this awening on the other side of the house. I tried to sweep it as clean as I could, because there was leaves and dirt, and old shigles all over the place. Bo noticed my diligency. He goes "Well, you swept the crap out of that awening". Being witty, I told him "Erik told me he wanted it so clean that he could eat off it.. so mabye you should go get some of those burgers we had for lunch and dump them on the awening so you can see." Bo just smiled. He looks at me and goes... "You are a good listener, but one thing you lack at your young age is discernment." And he points to the truck where i loaded the gutter. Each gutter was sticking off the back of the truck about 15 feet.
I just stood there and started laughing at myself. The the guys were houling with laughter. Erik goes "I dont know what is funnier... the practicality that everything on the truck will fall of when we start it, or that the gutters are about 12 feet beyond the legal limit and would totally crush any car behind us if they fell of." An image of a corvette getting smashed by all the gutters falling off as we drove down 77 came to mind.
So, I asked God to humble me. He sure did. I looked like an idiot in front of an expereinced roofing crew. More than once. But the guys were really chill about it and enjoyed that I provided the humor for the day. Humor is needed on a work site or someone will feel like they want to shoot somebody. It was a really fun day. I learned a lot. And my prayer was answered.
1 Peter 5:6 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you."
How true it is.
JN
I have never really roofed before in my life. If you don't know what roofing is, basically it involves ripping shingles off a roof, and putting new ones on. It sounds easy and mindless, but it is by no means. I did a decent job of ripping the shingles off, but when Bo (one of the crew guys) asked me to be his "Pitcher", I had no idea what was that involved me doing. So I had to ask him what pitching is. He just looked at me and smiled, knowing that I have no experience roofing, and said "you are the guy that hands me the new shingles so I can nail them on." I felt like an idoit. Duh, that makes so much sense.
So Bo gets his nail gun (which is wiked sick by the way... you could easily shoot someones eye out) and I hand him a shingle. Apperently there is a method to handing shingles, and I wasn't understanding it. You have to be so precise to helping the nailer if you want the job to get done quickly. Then you have to re load the shingles and move as the nailer gets closer and closer to the top of the roof. Its a lot to think about.
So Bo let me go at it for a half hour, and then realizes that I was slowing him down, so he told me to go clean up around the house. There was this big pile of gutters on the ground that the crew had just tore off. Erik told me to to put them in the truck. So, I put them in the truck, with out really thinking about it. About a half hour later, I had just finished sweeping up this awening on the other side of the house. I tried to sweep it as clean as I could, because there was leaves and dirt, and old shigles all over the place. Bo noticed my diligency. He goes "Well, you swept the crap out of that awening". Being witty, I told him "Erik told me he wanted it so clean that he could eat off it.. so mabye you should go get some of those burgers we had for lunch and dump them on the awening so you can see." Bo just smiled. He looks at me and goes... "You are a good listener, but one thing you lack at your young age is discernment." And he points to the truck where i loaded the gutter. Each gutter was sticking off the back of the truck about 15 feet.
I just stood there and started laughing at myself. The the guys were houling with laughter. Erik goes "I dont know what is funnier... the practicality that everything on the truck will fall of when we start it, or that the gutters are about 12 feet beyond the legal limit and would totally crush any car behind us if they fell of." An image of a corvette getting smashed by all the gutters falling off as we drove down 77 came to mind.
So, I asked God to humble me. He sure did. I looked like an idiot in front of an expereinced roofing crew. More than once. But the guys were really chill about it and enjoyed that I provided the humor for the day. Humor is needed on a work site or someone will feel like they want to shoot somebody. It was a really fun day. I learned a lot. And my prayer was answered.
1 Peter 5:6 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you."
How true it is.
JN
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A Cool Truth
We were up late last night for J-Time, (Jesus Time). Basically what J-Time is, is the 7 of us sitting in the living room, talking about Jesus, our past, our present, our future, and basically just hacking out life together as a biblical community. We started around 9, and slowly a few of the guys drifted off to bed. Around midnight, myself, Seth, Don, and Ben were hungry and went to the kitchen to grab a midnight snack. Don was a personal trainer back in Chicago, so all of us usually ask him fitness and health questions. So J-time turned into a wellness session in the kitchen. I ate a little, but i mostly drank water because I had already drank about 9 cups of coffee earlier that day. No Joke. Coffee in the ministry house is a frequent necessity. It is sweet, because down High Street, there is this awesome local coffee joint called the Daily Grind, and they have the best brews and beans. Yesterday happened to be Hawaiian Kona Coffee, so I was all over that. After hanging out in the kitchen we all went to bed. Last night I had a lot on my mind. I have been feeling really good about life, and where I am right now. I feel like God has me in the right place and I am surrounded by a community of people that really wanna do this thing together... really live out the gospel of Christ. But I was praying about something last night that has been on my mind for a while, and I couldn't fall asleep. On Sunday I talked to a buddy of mine who has been going through the Psalms. He reads at least 3 a day, and he encouraged me to try it. So, I read 3 yesterday morning, and was on the 4th one. And as I was lying in bed, Psalm 4 popped into my head. I don't know if it was because that was the one that I was going to read next, or if God just wanted me to read it. But, I went downstairs around 1 o'clock and opened to Psalm 4. This is what it says.
"I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8
I read verse 8, and was like, "wow God. Wow. Okay, I will go upstairs, lie down, and sleep because I am in Your safety." It was pretty sweet, because I tend to be a insomniac and 9 cups of coffee don't help at all. It was even sweeter, because it has been a long, long time since God hit me with a verse to help me where I was at. And that is because I don't read His Word enough. I could right a lot more about that... but I will save it for another blog. So, I got up, went back to bed, and fell asleep within the next 10 minutes. God's Word is truth. I am really re-learning that right now. I hope this encourages you today!
JN
"I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8
I read verse 8, and was like, "wow God. Wow. Okay, I will go upstairs, lie down, and sleep because I am in Your safety." It was pretty sweet, because I tend to be a insomniac and 9 cups of coffee don't help at all. It was even sweeter, because it has been a long, long time since God hit me with a verse to help me where I was at. And that is because I don't read His Word enough. I could right a lot more about that... but I will save it for another blog. So, I got up, went back to bed, and fell asleep within the next 10 minutes. God's Word is truth. I am really re-learning that right now. I hope this encourages you today!
JN
Monday, October 26, 2009
Alive
On Saturday I rode Don's bike down to the gym to workout, but when I got to the gym, all the lights were off. I was a little confused, because it was only 6 O'clock, and I thought the gym stayed open until 9. But, it turns out on Saturdays, that it closes at 5. So, a little disappointed, I decided to walk around the mall for a little while. (The gym is right next to the New Towne Mall). I like walking the mall a lot. A lot of my friends don't, because they feel like malls bombard people with advertisements have a really depressing feeling about them. But for myself, I really enjoy them. I like just walking, and observing the kinds of people I see.
So on this particular Saturday I noticed something about malls that I had never noticed before. As I walked by the kiosks, I passed benches. Sitting in these benches would be people. Usually there was just one person in a bench. The type of people varied, Hispanic, Caucasian, middle age, elderly... but there was one thing in common with all the people sitting on the benches. They had this blank stare on their faces. They were staring into nothing. Now, I don't know anything about any of these people, but watching them got me thinking. I wonder why there are people in America who spend their Saturday's sitting on a bench in a mall, just staring into space.
America has everything. It really does. Anything you want you can get in this country. That is the American Dream after all, isn't it. If you work as hard as you can, then your dreams are possible. We have been given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But is happiness achievable? It seems like all we ever do is pursue it, we never obtain it. Sure, I have meet people who seem happy for a time. But it hasn't lasted.
So I wonder what those people on the bench feel like. I wonder if they feel like they want to experience true joy, but they can't. I wonder if they want to be loved, accepted, and really feel alive, but for some reason, no one loves them, no one accepts them, and they feel dead on the inside. Sometimes I feel like that. A lot of times I feel like that. There are so many times in my life when I feel like I want people to accept me, like me, and love me. I want to be good enough.
But every time I start thinking and caring about that, it leaves me feeling more insecure, more like a loser, and more like I am dead on this inside.
I believe the heart of every human being wants to experience life and joy. But we have this warped idea of where life and joy comes from.
I read this passage of Scripture earlier this week which pretty much struck me across the face and convicted me of my self-addiction in my life.
Jesus is talking about the cost of being his disciple and after saying you have to love Him more then anything he says something which is incredibly hard to swallow. He says "So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has, cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33
I have been a follower of Christ for about 3 years now. For much of that time, I loved God. But I loved Him with conditions. I was like "God, I love you, as long as you make me feel comfortable and I don't have to risk everything, and don't have to talk to people I really don't want to talk to. And, oh yeah, get me to Colorado so I can live in the Rocky mountains."
For the last few months, God has been hammering into me that it is not about me. It really isn't. If I (any of us) are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, we must understand that life is not about us. It isn't about what we want. It isn't about being comfortable. I have really just started to get that.
Maybe the reason I have felt dead inside is because I am self-addicted and have looked for happiness in the wrong place. Jesus offers joy, life, and true peace. He offers it in Himself. And he requires us to give up all we have if we are to receive that offer. I am just realizing that.
JN
So on this particular Saturday I noticed something about malls that I had never noticed before. As I walked by the kiosks, I passed benches. Sitting in these benches would be people. Usually there was just one person in a bench. The type of people varied, Hispanic, Caucasian, middle age, elderly... but there was one thing in common with all the people sitting on the benches. They had this blank stare on their faces. They were staring into nothing. Now, I don't know anything about any of these people, but watching them got me thinking. I wonder why there are people in America who spend their Saturday's sitting on a bench in a mall, just staring into space.
America has everything. It really does. Anything you want you can get in this country. That is the American Dream after all, isn't it. If you work as hard as you can, then your dreams are possible. We have been given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But is happiness achievable? It seems like all we ever do is pursue it, we never obtain it. Sure, I have meet people who seem happy for a time. But it hasn't lasted.
So I wonder what those people on the bench feel like. I wonder if they feel like they want to experience true joy, but they can't. I wonder if they want to be loved, accepted, and really feel alive, but for some reason, no one loves them, no one accepts them, and they feel dead on the inside. Sometimes I feel like that. A lot of times I feel like that. There are so many times in my life when I feel like I want people to accept me, like me, and love me. I want to be good enough.
But every time I start thinking and caring about that, it leaves me feeling more insecure, more like a loser, and more like I am dead on this inside.
I believe the heart of every human being wants to experience life and joy. But we have this warped idea of where life and joy comes from.
I read this passage of Scripture earlier this week which pretty much struck me across the face and convicted me of my self-addiction in my life.
Jesus is talking about the cost of being his disciple and after saying you have to love Him more then anything he says something which is incredibly hard to swallow. He says "So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has, cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33
I have been a follower of Christ for about 3 years now. For much of that time, I loved God. But I loved Him with conditions. I was like "God, I love you, as long as you make me feel comfortable and I don't have to risk everything, and don't have to talk to people I really don't want to talk to. And, oh yeah, get me to Colorado so I can live in the Rocky mountains."
For the last few months, God has been hammering into me that it is not about me. It really isn't. If I (any of us) are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, we must understand that life is not about us. It isn't about what we want. It isn't about being comfortable. I have really just started to get that.
Maybe the reason I have felt dead inside is because I am self-addicted and have looked for happiness in the wrong place. Jesus offers joy, life, and true peace. He offers it in Himself. And he requires us to give up all we have if we are to receive that offer. I am just realizing that.
JN
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Is Talking About Jesus Awkward?
This morning Don cooked up some mean waffles. I love all kinds of breakfast foods, and waffles are definitely among the top 3. Seth, Correy, Don, Link, Travis and I migrated to the living room with our waffles in hand. A local kid named Jack came over and hung out with us for a bit. Jack is really into dirt bikes and after talking about crazy motorcycle stories, the conversation shifted into a Jesus talk, what Don likes to call "J-time".
After a little bit, there was a silence. Don posed the question "Does talking about Jesus make people feel awkward"? If it does, why? After a few more moments of silence and contemplation, Correy said that it is awkward to talk about Jesus because we feel like we need to give the right answer, and if we don't then we feel like we have failed.
So I pose the question... has American Christianity left us to believe that the measurement of our spirituality is like a check list, or a test? Are we trying to get a 100% on a "Jesus Test".
I don't believe that Jesus wants us to look at our relationship with Him as a list of right or wrong answers. I think in the context of talking about our Lord, there are no right or wrong answers. When Don or Travis, or one of my mentors back home asks me, "how is God working in your life" or "why do you think God has you in this situation right now", I don't think they are looking for a text book answer. I think they want to make me think, and they want to see if indeed God is working in my life.
This point led us deeper in the conversation. Is it awkward to talk about Jesus because we don't know Jesus? We can grow up all our lives and know about Jesus, but knowing Him is entirely different. If you asked me to tell you about my relationship with Don, I wouldn't say "He's about 6 feet, black, works out all the time, used to wrestle in highschool, he smiles all the time." No, I would say "Don loves people and I can see that by the way he activly listens to me and asks me 'how i feel about this, and what i think about that, and why i think that'. Don is compassionate, inquisitive, a diligent worker, determined, and driven." We can know everything about Jesus without knowing Him. I can know all there is about Lebron James. I can read his bio, stats, his autobiography, but until I go and talk to him, I do not know him.
Jesus wants to be known. He wants us to seek Him, and pursue Him with everything we have.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:13-14
JN
After a little bit, there was a silence. Don posed the question "Does talking about Jesus make people feel awkward"? If it does, why? After a few more moments of silence and contemplation, Correy said that it is awkward to talk about Jesus because we feel like we need to give the right answer, and if we don't then we feel like we have failed.
So I pose the question... has American Christianity left us to believe that the measurement of our spirituality is like a check list, or a test? Are we trying to get a 100% on a "Jesus Test".
I don't believe that Jesus wants us to look at our relationship with Him as a list of right or wrong answers. I think in the context of talking about our Lord, there are no right or wrong answers. When Don or Travis, or one of my mentors back home asks me, "how is God working in your life" or "why do you think God has you in this situation right now", I don't think they are looking for a text book answer. I think they want to make me think, and they want to see if indeed God is working in my life.
This point led us deeper in the conversation. Is it awkward to talk about Jesus because we don't know Jesus? We can grow up all our lives and know about Jesus, but knowing Him is entirely different. If you asked me to tell you about my relationship with Don, I wouldn't say "He's about 6 feet, black, works out all the time, used to wrestle in highschool, he smiles all the time." No, I would say "Don loves people and I can see that by the way he activly listens to me and asks me 'how i feel about this, and what i think about that, and why i think that'. Don is compassionate, inquisitive, a diligent worker, determined, and driven." We can know everything about Jesus without knowing Him. I can know all there is about Lebron James. I can read his bio, stats, his autobiography, but until I go and talk to him, I do not know him.
Jesus wants to be known. He wants us to seek Him, and pursue Him with everything we have.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:13-14
JN
Monday, October 12, 2009
A Change of Scenery
This morning I woke up, and for the first time in my life, my Mom wasn't in the kitchen making breakfast, or sitting on the couch drinking a cup of coffee. I woke across from a dude named Lincoln, my roommate, as he let out a big yawn, wishing it wasn't 6:30.
I am living in New Philadelphia, Ohio, with 5 other guys who's deepest desire is to know more of Jesus. I got Link as my roommate, then Travis, Don, Seth, and Correy. Everyone here is from Ohio except for myself and Seth. Seth is from Alaska. I am pretty jealous... I have always wanted to go to Alaska.
The town here is beautiful. It isn't what I expected. I thought I would be coming to Farmville USA, where everything is flat and I can't walk a mile without seeing a cow. I actually haven't even seen a cow yet. There is this really cool park in town called Tuscora Park, where I ran to this morning. It's like an old fahsioned carnival park. There is a ferris wheel, mini roller coaster, those spinny chair things, and few other rides that only cost a quarter. Down the street from us, there is a movie theater that costs $3. Back home, it would cost me $12. New Philly is about an hour and a half west of Pittsburgh, PA. There are a lot of local coffee shops here, something that Massachusetts really lacks. Corporate America hasn't hit New Philly yet, and it should stay that way. The nearest Starbucks is like 40 minutes from here.
This morning we went to the local gym for about an hour and a half. I look pretty pathetic lifting weight compared to Lincoln, Travis and Don. They are all pretty ripped. I told them that if they can get me looking life Hugh Jackman from Wolverine by the time I go back to Boston, then I will have gotten my moneys worth. Just kidding.
Don is a pretty good cook. He whipped up an egg casserole in like 20 minutes. It had sausage and peppers. It was really good. We eat a lot of food here.
I can get used to this cozy little community. Its really homey. The pace of life so much slower. Back home, almost no one likes to just sit and chill. Since breakfast, we haven't really done anything accept sit around the living room and talk. I have the laptop right here, Link is doing some school work and Seth is playing around on facebook. Its really a great atmosphere.
Here is a link to the Off The Wall website. www.offthewallministry.com
Check it out if you have some time.
I'll check back in in a few days.
JN
I am living in New Philadelphia, Ohio, with 5 other guys who's deepest desire is to know more of Jesus. I got Link as my roommate, then Travis, Don, Seth, and Correy. Everyone here is from Ohio except for myself and Seth. Seth is from Alaska. I am pretty jealous... I have always wanted to go to Alaska.
The town here is beautiful. It isn't what I expected. I thought I would be coming to Farmville USA, where everything is flat and I can't walk a mile without seeing a cow. I actually haven't even seen a cow yet. There is this really cool park in town called Tuscora Park, where I ran to this morning. It's like an old fahsioned carnival park. There is a ferris wheel, mini roller coaster, those spinny chair things, and few other rides that only cost a quarter. Down the street from us, there is a movie theater that costs $3. Back home, it would cost me $12. New Philly is about an hour and a half west of Pittsburgh, PA. There are a lot of local coffee shops here, something that Massachusetts really lacks. Corporate America hasn't hit New Philly yet, and it should stay that way. The nearest Starbucks is like 40 minutes from here.
This morning we went to the local gym for about an hour and a half. I look pretty pathetic lifting weight compared to Lincoln, Travis and Don. They are all pretty ripped. I told them that if they can get me looking life Hugh Jackman from Wolverine by the time I go back to Boston, then I will have gotten my moneys worth. Just kidding.
Don is a pretty good cook. He whipped up an egg casserole in like 20 minutes. It had sausage and peppers. It was really good. We eat a lot of food here.
I can get used to this cozy little community. Its really homey. The pace of life so much slower. Back home, almost no one likes to just sit and chill. Since breakfast, we haven't really done anything accept sit around the living room and talk. I have the laptop right here, Link is doing some school work and Seth is playing around on facebook. Its really a great atmosphere.
Here is a link to the Off The Wall website. www.offthewallministry.com
Check it out if you have some time.
I'll check back in in a few days.
JN
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